Monthly Archives: February 2013
Out of the blue
For me the awareness of a psi event happens when a focused thought enters my mind that does not fit the flow and pattern of what I had been thinking about. People refer to the ‘stream’ of consciousness, which can provide a helpful metaphor. As my internal ruminations drift along gradually flowing from one topic to another by association, at times something else will intrude. The new thought does not fit the flow and usually has a more defined substance than the usual aside thoughts. To me, it seems like an outside thought, but some have proposed that it is a deeper part of the self getting attention. Regardless of the source, it feels like a rock has fallen into the stream and created ripples that disrupt the smooth flow. A big event creates a big splash of awareness and completely displaces my prior thought process. A minor event barely is noticeable. After a long process of trying to ignore these irritating interruptions, I have learned that they are warnings I should pay attention to.
I have sometimes described the minor warnings as a feeling of ‘uh-oh’ when I do something that will soon create a problem. Being stubborn by nature, when I first became aware of the distinct sense of warning, I felt that I was being micro-managed or supervised by something. I did not like the idea of having something looking over my shoulder uninvited and telling me what not to do. I have issues with authority and being directed by anyone or anything. To me it seemed my independence of will was being impinged. I am not implying that there is a separate entity behind the warnings, only that they have a feel of otherness, rather than me-ness to them. So for a couple of years, I would argue with the gist of the warnings and go out of my way to not respond. My contrary Scottish heritage must be to blame. But time after time, as I tried to convince myself that the warning was silly and made no sense, it would in fact be valid. Finally, a warning came that could have been a matter of life and death, unfortunately I did not listen and could not have prevented the event, even if I had. I will tell that story in my next post.
Oddly enough, most of the warnings are so minor as to be more irritating than useful. For example, not long ago I was getting out of the car in my garage with a half full soda. I got an ‘uh-oh’ thought that I would spill it. So I decided to put the can down on the garage floor where it would be out of the way, while I got the rest of my stuff out of the car. As I moved around the car, I bumped into something that rolled across the floor. You guessed it. Right into the can and it tipped over. Arrrrgggghhhhhh! to quote Charlie Brown. What is the point! I can’t even begin to express how distracting, frustrating and useless it is to feel that sense of ‘uh-oh’ and then have to try and avoid something when I don’t know exactly what it is I am trying to avoid. Not to mention, who the heck cares if I spill soda on the floor of my garage. Surely, this is not the work of some supreme being or paranormal entity. If so, I have had the extreme misfortune of being ‘protected’ by the most nit-picky, OCD, over-eager guardian that ever existed. If there are non-human guides and guardians, don’t they have more important work to do?
Reaching out into the void
Why has it been so hard to measure extra sensory perception and other psi abilities in a lab or academic setting? I have been reading some recent research into psi abilities in order to try and better understand my own experiences. Unfortunately, I have not found the currently published academic and scientific information to be very helpful. My abilities have been evolving over the course of my life so exploring them has been a gradual process of discovery. As a trained observer and analytical person, I have begun to notice some patterns that may help clarify which research models would better capture the measurable events. It appears that the current model of research methods may have built in assumptions that tend to mask the very abilities they are trying to measure. Not to mention, that perceptions vary so much to create one research method that captures them all would be nearly impossible.
I decided to present my thoughts on this and share my experience. I hope that experts in the field can refine the research methods in such a way as to fully legitimize these non-standard abilities. For those like me who do not try to trade on our skills or even publicly acknowledge them, there is a hidden life we cannot share. It is nearly impossible to find others who genuinely share our experiences in such a way as to form a meaningful community. Too many people who are focused only on selling something or trying to present themselves as prophets and spiritual advisers. They have created a culture of belief in a higher power giving spiritual gifts, rather than an innate or developed talent. Some in the alternative spiritual culture seems hostile to trying to understand them in a scientific way. Then the mainstream mechanistic culture does not accept unexplained abilities as anything but a form of self delusion. This leaves folks like me isolated and feeling like we I need to hide in the shadows. After all, it was not so long ago that people who were too different were burned at the stake.
About me… I have a Masters in Sociology. I intended to be an academic researcher, but was accidentally diverted into better paying work. I have spent my career in software implementations. Although I do have some spiritual beliefs, I do no follow any particular religion or dogma. I do not see my abilities as necessarily spiritual in nature. I am also a rational person with a strong interest in biology, medicine and theoretical physics. To me these are not contradictory at all. They are different ways of experiencing the world. Together they provide a more complete understanding of the human experience. I do not wish to become some kind of spokesperson or public figure. As a matter of fact, I am an Aspie with a fairly strong social phobia. So I have struggled for many years with the idea of publishing my experience. I finally realized the only way to overcome the isolation is to reach out and hope to connect with others like me.
Remembering the future
Knowing that something bad will happen is not as useful as you would think. For many years, I was able to write off my odd synchronistic events to coincidence or a vague sense of order in the universe. But eventually the warnings became so frequent and occasionally dramatic, I could no longer dismiss the pattern.
While growing up, when I had an out of place thought that something was not right, I attributed it to being a high strung worrier, which I am. Being raised in a good Christian rural home had taught me to discount magical thinking outside of the biblical framework. Of course, for my parents, their fundamentalist beliefs would not count as magical thinking.
As an adolescent, I tried very hard to interpret my odd awareness as a spiritual gift in the Christian sense. But as I became older, I finally gave up trying to hold to the fundamentalist biblical world view. Now I stay far away from dogma and institutionalized religion. I am still a spiritual person who feels strongly that we have a level of existence beyond the physical. But I want to explore that for myself, not have someone else tell me what to believe.
I have always had a strong interest in the sciences, including science fiction. So following the principle that magic and technology are often indistinguishable, I began to research everything that might somehow explain my experiences. So far, I have learned that quantum physics has begun to explore the idea that future events may interact with the present. Since a critical element of my experience is the nature of time, I am fascinated with the cutting edge debates on the nature of time. Perhaps my experiences can in some small way contribute to that exploration.
Learning to use my earth suit
I always knew I was different, but did not know why. I felt like a changeling who had been switched at birth with a human child. I did not feel any form of kinship with the people around me. These odd, volatile people could not be my family. Although there were minor physical resemblances, I was nothing like them on the inside. My life felt wrong. It was as if I had an internal compass that pointed somewhere and I needed to get away. I could feel the pull of it every day. But I had no idea where I was supposed to be. I kept waiting for my real family to show up and take me away.
When I looked in the mirror, I could see a face but it did not feel like me. I could see a body, but it felt remote and I still have no emotional attachment to it. I often bump into things wherever I go because I don’t sense where my body is in relation to the stuff around me. This body continues to feel like a suit of clothing that I am wearing temporarily.
As I was trying to fall asleep one night in my teens, I felt a peaceful sense of drifting. It felt a little like falling asleep but more focused and aware. As I drifted, I had a memory of drifting similar to this, but no idea of when or where I remembered it from. I began to re-experienced a hyper-clear memory of gradually letting go. It felt so good, like a kind of relaxation only more of the mind than body. The peacefulness was complete and felt wonderful. I drifted further and further while holding just a tiny attachment to myself. Then finally I chose to let go completely. I left the body behind and became only peace. I knew with utter certainty that I had remembered dying. I could choose to leave again if I wanted. This was my freedom to experience this life only if I choose to.
So I understand why I am not attached to this body. It is not my first one and I will someday leave it behind. The body is not truly me. It is an incarnation of me and will serve it’s purpose. These human bodies are adequate, but do not come close to being enough to house our entire existence. Being human feels like a larval stage of development. Somehow we must complete this part of the cycle before emerging transformed in the next.
Having an earth suit is useful and I value the ability to experience the colors, textures, food, music, conversation and snuggles. But often all that input is overwhelming and distracting. Only in the calm and quiet of my own inner world do I ever feel like I am my true self. Maybe it is only the inner awareness that will continue past this life that is the truest part of me.
I have recently learned that there is a label for people like me. I am just beginning to explore what I am, and it has given me a new perspective. I know who I am and always have been. Finding a label could not change that. But it has given me some way to finally begin talking about my experience and what my place in this universe could be. Someday, I hope to have a homeland and a people. Until then, I will consider myself in exile and dream…
Visionary Explorer 