Category Archives: Asperger’s
Passing Through
You don’t have to be from another planet to be an alien.
I used to find it very odd that unwelcome visitors from other countries were called aliens. Since I read so much sci-fi as a kid, I would get the two kinds mixed up. When I heard a news blub that mentioned aliens crossing the border, I would picture in my mind hordes of little green men invading from outer space. Ridiculously, since I most often heard about ‘wetbacks’, I usually embellished my inner news clip with amphibious frog-like Kermit aliens. This left me somewhat confused as to what the panic was all about as a herd of muppets couldn’t be all that dangerous.
Clearly, I was not properly indoctrinated into the local phobia regarding the most recent immigration wave. In the world of right wing politics and culture war hysteria that I grew up in, there were rigidly defined camps. You were either right or left (wrong) or rarely center (wimp). Given the available options, I wasn’t even on the map. If anything, I was vertical. All I wanted was out.
Perhaps if I could travel to the stars like the characters in my books, I could find the people like me. Over the years, I avidly followed the development and launch of the shuttle. I was sure that by the time I was an adult, star travel would be as common as flying across the country. Then came the Challenger disaster and years of cautious rebuilding. I watched and I waited, but it seemed that I would never find my way home.
Then one day, in my own backyard, I looked up and saw something that seemed impossible. A strange craft in the sky, flying above my house. It had a flat triangular tip in the front, a long narrow fuselage, and ended in narrow wings where the tail should be, but they bent up vertically in the middle. It moved like a plane, but it did not look like any plane I had ever seen on TV. Were the aliens finally here? I ran and grabbed my Kodak 110 and took as many grainy, low res photos as I could. I was ready for first contact!
Alas, this was not an alien craft, but instead an experimental plane designed by Burt Rutan. When years later, I heard that his team was competing for the X-prize for the first private craft to reach space, I was ecstatic. I followed his progress to victory in Space Ship One. Thanks to him and many other pioneers who have helped the private space race to finally begin, we are a few steps closer to reaching the stars. For some, it will be the final frontier. For others like me, it may be at last a place to belong.
Reaching out into the void
Why has it been so hard to measure extra sensory perception and other psi abilities in a lab or academic setting? I have been reading some recent research into psi abilities in order to try and better understand my own experiences. Unfortunately, I have not found the currently published academic and scientific information to be very helpful. My abilities have been evolving over the course of my life so exploring them has been a gradual process of discovery. As a trained observer and analytical person, I have begun to notice some patterns that may help clarify which research models would better capture the measurable events. It appears that the current model of research methods may have built in assumptions that tend to mask the very abilities they are trying to measure. Not to mention, that perceptions vary so much to create one research method that captures them all would be nearly impossible.
I decided to present my thoughts on this and share my experience. I hope that experts in the field can refine the research methods in such a way as to fully legitimize these non-standard abilities. For those like me who do not try to trade on our skills or even publicly acknowledge them, there is a hidden life we cannot share. It is nearly impossible to find others who genuinely share our experiences in such a way as to form a meaningful community. Too many people who are focused only on selling something or trying to present themselves as prophets and spiritual advisers. They have created a culture of belief in a higher power giving spiritual gifts, rather than an innate or developed talent. Some in the alternative spiritual culture seems hostile to trying to understand them in a scientific way. Then the mainstream mechanistic culture does not accept unexplained abilities as anything but a form of self delusion. This leaves folks like me isolated and feeling like we I need to hide in the shadows. After all, it was not so long ago that people who were too different were burned at the stake.
About me… I have a Masters in Sociology. I intended to be an academic researcher, but was accidentally diverted into better paying work. I have spent my career in software implementations. Although I do have some spiritual beliefs, I do no follow any particular religion or dogma. I do not see my abilities as necessarily spiritual in nature. I am also a rational person with a strong interest in biology, medicine and theoretical physics. To me these are not contradictory at all. They are different ways of experiencing the world. Together they provide a more complete understanding of the human experience. I do not wish to become some kind of spokesperson or public figure. As a matter of fact, I am an Aspie with a fairly strong social phobia. So I have struggled for many years with the idea of publishing my experience. I finally realized the only way to overcome the isolation is to reach out and hope to connect with others like me.
Learning to use my earth suit
I always knew I was different, but did not know why. I felt like a changeling who had been switched at birth with a human child. I did not feel any form of kinship with the people around me. These odd, volatile people could not be my family. Although there were minor physical resemblances, I was nothing like them on the inside. My life felt wrong. It was as if I had an internal compass that pointed somewhere and I needed to get away. I could feel the pull of it every day. But I had no idea where I was supposed to be. I kept waiting for my real family to show up and take me away.
When I looked in the mirror, I could see a face but it did not feel like me. I could see a body, but it felt remote and I still have no emotional attachment to it. I often bump into things wherever I go because I don’t sense where my body is in relation to the stuff around me. This body continues to feel like a suit of clothing that I am wearing temporarily.
As I was trying to fall asleep one night in my teens, I felt a peaceful sense of drifting. It felt a little like falling asleep but more focused and aware. As I drifted, I had a memory of drifting similar to this, but no idea of when or where I remembered it from. I began to re-experienced a hyper-clear memory of gradually letting go. It felt so good, like a kind of relaxation only more of the mind than body. The peacefulness was complete and felt wonderful. I drifted further and further while holding just a tiny attachment to myself. Then finally I chose to let go completely. I left the body behind and became only peace. I knew with utter certainty that I had remembered dying. I could choose to leave again if I wanted. This was my freedom to experience this life only if I choose to.
So I understand why I am not attached to this body. It is not my first one and I will someday leave it behind. The body is not truly me. It is an incarnation of me and will serve it’s purpose. These human bodies are adequate, but do not come close to being enough to house our entire existence. Being human feels like a larval stage of development. Somehow we must complete this part of the cycle before emerging transformed in the next.
Having an earth suit is useful and I value the ability to experience the colors, textures, food, music, conversation and snuggles. But often all that input is overwhelming and distracting. Only in the calm and quiet of my own inner world do I ever feel like I am my true self. Maybe it is only the inner awareness that will continue past this life that is the truest part of me.
I have recently learned that there is a label for people like me. I am just beginning to explore what I am, and it has given me a new perspective. I know who I am and always have been. Finding a label could not change that. But it has given me some way to finally begin talking about my experience and what my place in this universe could be. Someday, I hope to have a homeland and a people. Until then, I will consider myself in exile and dream…
Visionary Explorer 