Category Archives: Theory
Remembering the future
Knowing that something bad will happen is not as useful as you would think. For many years, I was able to write off my odd synchronistic events to coincidence or a vague sense of order in the universe. But eventually the warnings became so frequent and occasionally dramatic, I could no longer dismiss the pattern.
While growing up, when I had an out of place thought that something was not right, I attributed it to being a high strung worrier, which I am. Being raised in a good Christian rural home had taught me to discount magical thinking outside of the biblical framework. Of course, for my parents, their fundamentalist beliefs would not count as magical thinking.
As an adolescent, I tried very hard to interpret my odd awareness as a spiritual gift in the Christian sense. But as I became older, I finally gave up trying to hold to the fundamentalist biblical world view. Now I stay far away from dogma and institutionalized religion. I am still a spiritual person who feels strongly that we have a level of existence beyond the physical. But I want to explore that for myself, not have someone else tell me what to believe.
I have always had a strong interest in the sciences, including science fiction. So following the principle that magic and technology are often indistinguishable, I began to research everything that might somehow explain my experiences. So far, I have learned that quantum physics has begun to explore the idea that future events may interact with the present. Since a critical element of my experience is the nature of time, I am fascinated with the cutting edge debates on the nature of time. Perhaps my experiences can in some small way contribute to that exploration.
Learning to use my earth suit
I always knew I was different, but did not know why. I felt like a changeling who had been switched at birth with a human child. I did not feel any form of kinship with the people around me. These odd, volatile people could not be my family. Although there were minor physical resemblances, I was nothing like them on the inside. My life felt wrong. It was as if I had an internal compass that pointed somewhere and I needed to get away. I could feel the pull of it every day. But I had no idea where I was supposed to be. I kept waiting for my real family to show up and take me away.
When I looked in the mirror, I could see a face but it did not feel like me. I could see a body, but it felt remote and I still have no emotional attachment to it. I often bump into things wherever I go because I don’t sense where my body is in relation to the stuff around me. This body continues to feel like a suit of clothing that I am wearing temporarily.
As I was trying to fall asleep one night in my teens, I felt a peaceful sense of drifting. It felt a little like falling asleep but more focused and aware. As I drifted, I had a memory of drifting similar to this, but no idea of when or where I remembered it from. I began to re-experienced a hyper-clear memory of gradually letting go. It felt so good, like a kind of relaxation only more of the mind than body. The peacefulness was complete and felt wonderful. I drifted further and further while holding just a tiny attachment to myself. Then finally I chose to let go completely. I left the body behind and became only peace. I knew with utter certainty that I had remembered dying. I could choose to leave again if I wanted. This was my freedom to experience this life only if I choose to.
So I understand why I am not attached to this body. It is not my first one and I will someday leave it behind. The body is not truly me. It is an incarnation of me and will serve it’s purpose. These human bodies are adequate, but do not come close to being enough to house our entire existence. Being human feels like a larval stage of development. Somehow we must complete this part of the cycle before emerging transformed in the next.
Having an earth suit is useful and I value the ability to experience the colors, textures, food, music, conversation and snuggles. But often all that input is overwhelming and distracting. Only in the calm and quiet of my own inner world do I ever feel like I am my true self. Maybe it is only the inner awareness that will continue past this life that is the truest part of me.
I have recently learned that there is a label for people like me. I am just beginning to explore what I am, and it has given me a new perspective. I know who I am and always have been. Finding a label could not change that. But it has given me some way to finally begin talking about my experience and what my place in this universe could be. Someday, I hope to have a homeland and a people. Until then, I will consider myself in exile and dream…
Visionary Explorer 